When I was 16 years old I wanted to be a weather man. Yeah, I hear you giggling! That is what I really thought I would be doing when I "grew up." God, however had other plans...
One Wednesday night I sat in church after performing a drama with my youth group, and God spoke to me. Not out loud. I didn't hear Him with my ears, I heard Him in my heart, my mind. I heard Him telling me he had bigger plans for my life. He was telling me that He wanted me to be a Worship Leader, He wanted be to lead His church in worship through song. "What?!?! No way, dude! I have my life planned out and I will be just fine!", were my thoughts. After a bit of a power struggle, I realized that Gods plan for my life is much better than my plan for my life.
I have followed that call on my life, and have dedicated my life to doing what God has called me to do...BUT, and this is a big 'but', I struggle with the responsibility of being a good leader. Sure, I can lead a song, and put music together in a way that flows and makes sense, but that is not all that a worship leaders job is. I struggle with wanting to please everybody all the time (not a trait of a good leader). I am a huge procrastinator. I don't follow through on the things I say I will do. I am generally a lazy person and I coast by on the fact that I have done this long enough that I can just throw something together quickly and it will work. Again, not a trait of a strong leader.
I worry constantly about making the right choice, so much so I get paralyzed with fear can't make decisions on my own and then make the people around me make the decisions for me.
It's at times like this I wonder, "If God has called me to this, why am I so afraid of doing it?"
"Why can't I step up and be the leader God has called me to be?"
"If God has created me to do this, then why do I have so much self doubt and insecurity?"
I have really been soul searching, and trying to figure out what it is that keeps me from stepping up and taking control of my life, and I have realized that that is my biggest problem...I am trying to be in control of my life.
God tells me that He will provide all I need. He won't give me more than I can handle. He will be my strength and power. I have to live daily remembering these promises and holding on to these truths. Paul, the writer of the letters to the Corinthians, says this in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10...
8 I begged the Lord three times to take this problem away from me. 9 But the Lord said, “My grace is all you need. Only when you are weak can everything be done completely by my power.” So I will gladly boast about my weaknesses. Then Christ’s power can stay in me. 10 Yes, I am glad to have weaknesses if they are for Christ. I am glad to be insulted and have hard times. I am glad when I am persecuted and have problems, because it is when I am weak that I am really strong.
What this says to me is that when I stop trying to control and fix the 'problems' in my life and live in the fact that I am weak and only through God I am strong, I can become the leader that He has created and called me to be. When I do things in my own power because I like to be in control and not admit my weakness, I will always fail. Here is a real world example...
I have a horrible memory. When Michelle asks me to remember something I always tell her I will, I tell myself I will, , but NEVER do. Even though I know I have a horrible memory, I don't want to admit it and I don't do anything to help myself remember because I think I am a big strong man and can do things on my own. But what I am learning is that when she asks me to remember something I have to accept my weakness and make a note for myself, put it on my calendar, or tattoo it on my forehead because I know I will fail if I try to just remember on my own.
The point I am trying to make with this silly example is that when we recognize our weakness and admit to it and ask for help, God will use us in ways that we never expected. If I try to be a better leader on my own just by saying "OK, I am going to be a better leader. Ready...Go!" I will fail every time, but if I say "OK, God, You have called me to be a leader, I know I am weak in the area of leadership, so I need you to lead through me." Not only will He do it, He will do more through me than I ever thought possible. I have to rely on His strength, not my own because "His strength is made perfect in my weakness."